Raising Socially Confident Kids: A Neurodiversity-Affirming Guide to Social Skills Development from Birth to Early Adulthood

Sep 7

7 min read

By Dr. Sheila Hartley, EdD, BCBA — Former Preschool Teacher, Reggio Emilia-Inspired Practitioner

You Already Have the Best Job in the World: You're Your Child's First Teacher

Here's a secret I want every parent in Michigan to hear today: you don't need a classroom, a curriculum, or a clipboard to teach social skills. You just need a grocery store, a sidewalk, a library story time, or a kitchen table. Social skill-building isn't a subject you schedule; it's woven into every single interaction your child has with the world, starting from their very first coo back at you in the hospital bassinet.

As an EdD, Board Certified Behavior Analyst (BCBA), and former preschool teacher trained in the Reggio Emilia philosophy, I've spent my career watching kids and teens blossom socially, not through drills and worksheets, but through real relationships in real places. And I want to hand that same joyful, low-pressure mindset to you.

This guide walks through what social development actually looks like at every age, from infancy through early adulthood, with practical, neurodiversity-affirming strategies you can start using today, whether your child is neurotypical, autistic, has ADHD, or is simply learning at their own beautiful pace.

What "Neurodiversity-Affirming" Really Means for Social Skills

Before we dive in, let's set the tone. A neurodiversity-affirming approach to social development means:

We don't force eye contact, scripted greetings, or "normal" behavior for its own sake. We support genuine connection in ways that feel good to your child.
There is no single "right" way to be social. Parallel play, info-dumping about a special interest, quiet companionship, or communicating through an AAC device are all valid forms of social connection.
The goal is community, belonging, and communication — not compliance.
Every child's timeline is different, and that's not a problem to fix; it's information to guide how we support them.

This philosophy shapes everything we do in our in-home ABA therapy services across Michigan, as well as our in-person social skills groups for kids and teens and our virtual parent groups. Now, let's talk about the fun part: how social skills actually unfold, stage by stage.

Birth to 12 Months: The Foundation of Connection

Believe it or not, social development starts on day one. Infants are wired to seek connection — and every time you respond to a cry, mirror a facial expression, or narrate your day ("Now we're putting on your socks!"), you're laying the groundwork for a lifetime of social-communication skills.

Playful ways to build social foundations at this stage:

Serve-and-return interactions. When your baby coos, babbles, or reaches — respond! This back-and-forth is the earliest form of conversation.
Face-to-face play. Peekaboo, silly faces, and singing build joint attention, the ability to share focus on something with another person — a critical building block for later communication.
Get out into the world. Babywearing on a walk through East Lansing's Farmers Market or a stroll around Grand Haven's boardwalk exposes your baby to new faces, sounds, and sensory experiences in a low-pressure way.
Narrate social moments, even before your baby "understands" words: "The barista said hi to us! Should we wave back?"

You are not too early to start. You're exactly on time.

Toddlerhood (1–3 Years): Parallel Play, Big Feelings, and First Friendships

Toddlers are famous for parallel play, playing alongside another child rather than directly with them. This isn't a lack of social skill; it's a completely normal and important developmental stage.

What to model and practice:

Introducing yourselves. At the park, model it yourself: "Hi, I'm Mom! This is Theo. What's your name?" Toddlers learn scripts by watching you use them naturally, over and over.
Simple turn-taking games at home build the neural pathways for back-and-forth interaction later used in conversation.
Explore new environments together. Try a new splash pad in Muskegon, a new library branch in downtown Lansing, or a children's museum in Grand Rapids. New places = new social opportunities and increased flexibility.
Narrate emotions — yours and theirs. "You seem frustrated that Ellie took the truck. That's hard!" This builds the emotional vocabulary kids need before they can navigate peer conflict.
Set up short, structured playdates — 30–45 minutes, one peer, a favorite activity. Shorter and more structured is often more successful than long, unstructured play at this age.

Preschool Years (3–5 Years): Cooperative Play and Community Practice

This is where Reggio Emilia-inspired thinking really shines. Preschoolers are natural investigators, and community outings become rich, real-world classrooms for social learning.

Try these community-based social skill builders:

Practice ordering their own food. At your favorite Lansing coffee shop or Grand Haven ice cream stand, let your child tell the cashier what they want (with support as needed). This builds self-advocacy, receptive/expressive language, and confidence — all wrapped into one delicious moment.
Ask for help or directions together. "I wonder where the bathroom is — let's ask that employee." Model the whole interaction, then gradually let your child take the lead.
Cooperative games over competitive ones. Building a block tower together, group scavenger hunts, or a simple board game teaches sharing, waiting, and negotiating.
Structured playdates in new locations. Rotate between backyards, splash pads, and indoor play spaces so your child practices flexibility and generalizes social skills across settings — not just with the same three kids in the same living room.
Enroll in a scheduled social skills group (like ours!). Small, intentionally facilitated groups give preschoolers gentle scaffolding for greetings, turn-taking, and cooperative play with peers, guided by professionals trained to follow your child's lead.

Early Elementary (5–8 Years): Friendship Skills and Growing Independence

School-age kids are navigating a bigger social world — classrooms, recess, extracurriculars, and this is often when parents start noticing where extra support might help.

What helps at this stage:

Explicitly teach conversation skills, like asking follow-up questions or noticing when a friend wants a turn to talk. Role-play at home first, then practice in real settings.
Practice phone or video calls with grandparents or cousins to build comfort with different communication formats.
Encourage kids to advocate in community settings — ordering their own meal at a restaurant, asking a librarian to help find a book, or telling a coach they need a water break.
Support (don't force) group activities that match your child's interests. A Lego club, swim team, or art class can be a natural, low-pressure way to build peer connections around shared passions.
Normalize different friendship styles. Some kids thrive with one best friend; others enjoy a rotating cast of playmates. Both are healthy.

If you're noticing your child struggles more than peers with reading social cues, managing big emotions with friends, or initiating play, this is a great time to explore in-home ABA therapy or a social skills group, where we meet your child exactly where they are, no judgment, just support.

Tweens (9–12 Years): Identity, Belonging, and Deeper Friendships

As kids approach adolescence, friendships deepen and social nuance increases — inside jokes, group dynamics, and the beginning of identity exploration.

Support your tween by:

Facilitating access to community, not just playdates. Look for clubs, maker spaces, or teen nights at local libraries or community centers across Lansing and Grand Rapids where your tween can find "their people" around shared interests.
Coaching (not controlling) conflict resolution. Ask questions like, "What do you think she meant by that?" rather than solving it for them.
Practicing self-advocacy in bigger settings — ordering at a restaurant with friends, navigating a store independently, or speaking up in a group project.
Validating that some social situations are genuinely more effortful for some brains than others — and that's okay. Needing a break after a group hangout isn't a red flag; it's self-awareness.

Teens and Early Adulthood: Independence, Advocacy, and Chosen Community

By the teen years, our job shifts from teaching skills directly to supporting independence and self-advocacy.

Ways to support teens:

Encourage real-world independence practice — ordering their own food, asking a store employee for help, navigating public transit or a new part of Grand Haven or downtown Lansing solo or with a friend.
Support them in finding their community, whether that's a gaming group, theater program, part-time job, or one of our teen social groups, where teens connect around shared interests in a structured, affirming space facilitated by professionals who get it.
Talk openly about self-advocacy — how to ask for accommodations, how to explain their needs to a boss or teacher, how to set boundaries with friends.
Respect their social preferences. Not every teen wants (or needs) a huge friend group. Depth over breadth is a valid, healthy goal.

When to Consider Extra Support

Every child's social journey looks different, and there's no single "normal" timeline. That said, families often reach out for extra support when they notice:

Their child struggles to initiate or maintain peer interactions
Big emotions consistently derail playdates or group activities
Their child seems to want friends but doesn't know how to connect
Transitions between social settings (home, school, community) feel especially hard

If any of this sounds familiar, you don't have to navigate it alone and reaching out doesn't mean anything is "wrong" with your child. It just means you're looking for tools to help them thrive on their own terms.

How We Can Help — Right Here in Michigan

We offer:

In-person social skills groups for kids and teens in the Lansing, MI area — small, joyful, neurodiversity-affirming groups where kids practice real friendship skills with peers who get it.
Virtual parent groups — connect with other parents anywhere, share wins and struggles, and get practical, affirming strategies you can use at home tonight.
In-home ABA therapy across Lansing, Grand Rapids, Muskegon, and Grand Haven — individualized, compassionate support delivered where your child is most comfortable: home.

We believe therapy should feel like play, learning should feel like discovery, and every family should feel welcomed exactly as they are. Whether you're just starting to wonder if your child could use some extra social support, or you're ready to dive into services today, we'd love to meet you.

Reach out today to learn more about our social skills groups, virtual parent groups, or in-home ABA therapy services. We are Michigan based, neurodiversity affirming, and genuinely excited to help your family find community.

Dr. Sheila Hartley, EdD, BCBA, is a former preschool teacher and Reggio Emilia-inspired practitioner serving families across Lansing, East Lansing, Grand Rapids, Muskegon, and Grand Haven, Michigan through social skills groups, virtual parent groups, and in-home ABA therapy.